Fair warning, I’m going to ramble a lot in this post. I have to get this out. Also, there are no pictures. Sorry about that.
I just marked the two year anniversary of a blog called Eat Within Your Means. And yet, I cannot seem to do that simple thing. At least it seems like it should be simple. But for me, it is beyond complicated. How do I unpack and untangle the reasons why I struggle to eat within my means?
The thing is, I’ve done it before. In 2010 I lost 80 pounds in 10 months by working out 6 days a week and tracking my calories daily. I ate around 1400 calories per day, and did the P90X workout regimen, which is heavily focused on strength training with some cardio. At that time, I was also single/engaged, and lived alone. I had fewer excuses as to why I couldn’t take on this very important project. So I blogged about it daily and did a weekly video update for months. I got married and felt amazing and wore a bikini on the beach on our honeymoon in Maui. Fast forward 5 years and two kids later, and things are so different now. Just last month we went to Maui as a family. It was basically the total opposite of our honeymoon in so many ways that I can’t and won’t go into here. But I can say that I was not in any shape to be wearing a bikini on the beach. I am back at square one, right where I started 5 years ago. Back at the same spot where I started this blog two years ago. So I’m struggling.
I am not immune to the irony that I am 230 pounds and have a healthy recipes blog that promises to fatten your wallet and skinny your jeans. Last month I taped my first local television appearance, and while it was so much fun and I can’t wait to do it again (by the way, I am), it made me cringe to hear the host introduce me as the blogger from Eat Within Your Means, and then have the camera pan to my overweight self. I wondered if people watching were confused. But I found myself thinking, wouldn’t it be cool if I got to do more segments and I could watch the progress of my weight loss over time? Maybe I would lose 100 pounds and get featured in a magazine! Meanwhile, I’m eating chips out of the bag or having three pieces of white sourdough toast slathered with coconut oil for breakfast. With coffee sweetened with maple syrup, because that’s healthier. Something is clearly not clicking in my brain.
I started out this year so excited about my newfound exercise studio, Barre3. I went every day for 30 days straight and was generously gifted two free months of membership. Yet, as life has handed us a few lemons recently, rather than making lemonade (not the Becky with the good hair kind), I used it as an excuse to miss class. So I essentially wasted a free month, because I only went a few times when I could have rocked it 5 or 6 times a week like I had been doing. I just didn’t make it a priority. And I let a stupid sinus infection keep me on the couch for a week. What’s up with that? Yes, my head feels like it’s going to explode. But judging by how awesome it felt to make it to class for the first time in two weeks tonight, I probably would have gotten over it much sooner had I just made better choices.
Speaking of choices, here’s a great example of making the wrong decision. Tonight I made a pretty kick-butt taco salad for dinner. It had walnut taco “meat”, a nacho cheese sauce that I’m testing (it’s GOOD), homemade sour cream, lettuce, tomato, olives, avocado, and crushed up tortilla chips. It rocked. I ate a huge plate of it. Then I asked Michael if he wanted more, and he said no. So what did I do? I loaded up my plate with what was left and ate a huge second helping. I was already almost full, and if I’d given my brain a minute or two longer to catch up with my stomach, I would have realized that I should have stopped at plate number 1. But instead, growing more stuffed with each forkful, I shoveled that salad into my mouth. Knowing I was going to Barre in less than an hour. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?
The fact is, I did make it to Barre tonight. And it felt amazing to be back. And it made me want to get hardcore serious about finding my way to a healthy me and then figuring out how to maintain that for the rest of my life. I have to believe that by putting this out there into the world, I will find that I’m not alone in this struggle. That is largely why I started this blog in the first place. And so many of you have already told me that we are in the same boat. So, let’s get out of the boat and go do yoga or something. Let’s do it together. I honestly don’t know what that will look like for me, practical speaking, but I’m ok with sharing about my bumbling journey here, if you don’t mind. One thing I know for sure, is that as much as I don’t want to, at least for a time I need to start keeping track of what I’m eating, and how much. So I’ll probably tell you about that here, in some way. I just don’t have it all figured out yet. But that’s ok.
Tomorrow is a good day to make good decisions. If I’m lucky enough to wake up tomorrow, I think breakfast sounds like the perfect opportunity to make a good choice. Goodbye, sourdough toast slathered with coconut oil. It’s been real.